Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Old Bystander's Almanac 2010

Some of us have just about sorted out the Millennium nonsense, and here we are, ten years on.

So here are my insights as to what may happen next year (that's 2010, for those of you yet unborn who stumble across my apercus as part of your research for your: "WTF were the old-fart bloggers on about?" PhD's at the University of Watford Gap sometime around 2050).

2010 - early bit: A vile rumour spreads across the land to the effect that a General Election will happen before the summer solstice. Nobody gives a toss, except politicians, public servants, and journos desperate to sell papers and/or keep Rupert or Dacre happy and signing pay cheques.

Spring. Election. Popular indifference ensures response way below that expressed for Jedward. Just as well, as the buggers would otherwise be forming a government.

Desperate candidates promise to bring in any policy approved by Rupert Murdoch. No change there then.

Rt. Hon. Jack Straw MP redeployed to work of great national importance.

Rejoicing in the Inns of Court, Law Society, and judiciary.

Magistrates' Association considers response, to be announced in five months' time.

Successor to Straw co-opts tabloid editors to Sentencing Guidelines bodies, thus formalising de facto understanding going back to 1997.

Final demise of legal aid for oiks, the poor, and other types of criminal. Massive shift of legal expertise to private-payers. College of Law PLC brings in new course specialising in "what bothers the rich". It is massively oversubscribed.

Justices of the Peace are praised to the skies in a speech by the new Justice Minister (no oxymoron jokes, please) By the way, they all do that, without exception. Gloom speads across the lay Bench. Most common response (from about ten JPs) - "That's it. We're fucked". Magistrates' Association promises robust response before 2010 is out.

Incoming Government enacts law allowing anyone who is burgled to beat the crap out of anyone they think might have done it.

Speed cameras abolished. Jeremy Clarkson elected MEP.

40-odd police authorities amalgamated into 37-odd. "We had to draw the line somewhere" says MoJ spokesman. "Any more and we would have been stuck with the Welsh".

Merry Christmas.

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