WARNING: This joke contains profanity which some may find offensive. For that reason you are advised not to read it before the 9 p.m. watershed.
"Thompson", said the Judge, resplendent in wig gown and bands, as he looked over his half-moon spectacles at the man in the dock. "This is one of the most serious matters that I have dealt with in recent years, and the jury were in my view quite right to convict you. You have shown no sign of remorse. You will go to prison for nine years. Take him down, officers".
The judge was picking up his notes, when the newly sentenced Thompson wrestled himself free from the dock officers to face the bench. "You old c*nt" he shouted before turning to walk down the stairs.
"Officers" ordered the judge. "Let him be brought back up". Placing his notes back on the bench, he fixed his stare on the man in the dock. "Now listen to me, Thompson" he said. "In about fifteen minutes I shall leave the court. I shall drive in my Volvo motor car to my house in Richmond. When I arrive there I shall join my wife in the garden for tea. I shall potter in the greenhouse while she prepares dinner, and we shall each have a glass of decent sherry before we sit down to eat. After dinner we shall watch the television together, and at about ten o'clock I shall have a good glass of malt whisky, after which I shall retire to bed with my wife".
He paused, and took off his spectacles. He leant forward, "You, on the other hand, will be handcuffed and taken from here in a Ford Transit motor vehicle to Brixton prison. There you will be placed into a cell with one or two total strangers. You will be given a plastic receptacle into which you may, if you choose, urinate or defaecate. This will be your lifestyle for some years to come.
And you think that I am a c*nt? What does that make you?"
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